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If you’re feeling like your self-confidence is not as good as it should be, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is a great way to help you build it to what you want it to be. The best way to use EFT is in private sessions with a trained therapist. If you’d rather try it on your own, please keep reading.
“What’s great about EFT is that it gives your subconscious mind a chance to speak, which makes it more likely to cooperate and change. “
Emotional Freedom Technique can certainly help build your self-confidence. If you find, after using it on your own for a while, that it doesn’t seem to be helping much, I highly recommend that you consider taking some in-person sessions with me. People often find that when they work on their own, it isn’t quite as effective. The reason is that we don’t hear our own subconscious minds. That may seem odd, because, if it’s your own mind, it seems you should be aware of it. The reason it’s called the subconscious, however, is that things that happen there are below the level of your awareness. What’s great about EFT is that it gives your subconscious mind a chance to speak, which makes it more likely to cooperate and change.
You consciously want to change a problem you’re having, but your subconscious clings to the problem, because that problem is known and familiar. Your subconscious is afraid that, if it lets go of that problem, you won’t be you any longer. When you work with a trained therapist, your subconscious gives that therapist the phrases to use in order for you to receive the best benefits of Emotional Freedom Technique.
As my clients speak to me about what they want to change, I write down what they’re saying, and I then use their words and phrases while guiding them through tapping. Often when we’re done, they tell me how much they loved the phrasing I used. They don’t realize that they themselves told me, because what they said came from their subconscious minds.
The first thing you want to do when using Emotional Freedom Technique to build your self-confidence is to write a few sentences, or, at least a few words, about what you want to change. What is the problem that’s bothering you? Do you lack self-confidence in general? Does something trigger your feelings of low self-confidence? Do you experience a lack of self-confidence only in certain situations or when with certain people? Did you used to be more confident but it’s been lacking lately? Whatever it is that you consider to be a problem, write that. These are the words and/or phrases you’ll use later when you tap on the points, so it’s better to have them there before you and easily accessible than to try to come up with them as you tap.
When you’ve written what you want to change, think about how distressed you are because of that problem, and rate your distress on a scale from one to ten, with ten being the most distressed you can imagine being. Write that number down. It’s called the Subjective Units of Distress (SUDs) number. If you’re not feeling as distressed when you’re ready to tap as you were on another occasion, take a moment to remember that occasion and really feel the emotion. When you’ve got that, write that number.
Next, write a specific-to-you-now statement using the phrase, “Even though [I have this problem], I deeply and completely love, accept, and forgive myself.” This is called the Set-Up Statement. For example, if you lack self-confidence when you want to ask your boss for a raise, you might write, “Even though I lack the self-confidence I need to ask my boss for a raise, I deeply and completely love, accept, and forgive myself.” You’ll speak the Set-Up Statement three times, and you can either repeat it twice, or come up with three phrases, using different aspects of the problem. For example, you might write, “Even though I have no confidence when I want to ask my boss for a raise, I deeply and completely love, accept, and forgive myself.” “Even though I worry that my boss won’t like me for asking, I deeply and completely love, accept, and forgive myself.” “Even though I feel like I don’t know the right words to use, I deeply and completely love, accept, and forgive myself.”
When you have your Setup Statement(s) ready, you’ll begin to tap. The points you’ll tap are the outside, meaty part of your hand that would make contact if you Karate chopped something called the Side of Hand point; just above the inside or beginning of your eyebrow, called the Eyebrow point; the bone on the side of your eye, called Side of Eye; the bone beneath your pupil when you look straight ahead, called Under Eye; the area just below your nose, called Under Nose; the divot below your bottom lip, called the Chin point; the Collar Bone point, about an inch below and out from your clavicle bump (it might feel tender if you rub it); the Under Arm point is about a hand’s width below your armpit or where a bra strap goes; and Top of Head is the crown of your head.
Using two or three fingers and moderate pressure, tap the Side of Hand point long enough to say your Set-Up Statement three times. Again, it can be one phrase three times or three phrases using different aspects of the problem. Then tap on each of the other points with Reminder Statements. Reminder Statements are phrases like, “I’m afraid to ask my boss for a raise,” “I’m scared I’ll sound nervous,” “I’m worried my boss will refuse me.” They’re shorter versions of why you’re lacking self-confidence. On the Top of Head point, you can use the palm of your hand or fingertips to tap.
One round of tapping is using the Set-Up Statement on the Side of Hand point three times, then five or six rounds of Reminder Statements on the other points.
You can use your right or left hand or both, and you can tap on your right or left side or both. EFT is quite user-friendly. Tap firmly, but not so firmly that you experience pain. Tap approximately five to seven times on each point, but don’t get caught up counting. Simply speak the phrases as you tap, and you’ll be doing the right number of taps
Let’s say a particular person causes you to feel low self-confidence, you might use phrases like the following:
Side of Hand: Even though I lose my self-confidence every time I’m with [the person; be specific], I deeply and completely love, accept, and forgive myself. Even though just thinking about being with [the person; be specific] causes me to feel less confident, I deeply and completely love, accept, and forgive myself. Even though I feel like I’m not as good as [the person; be specific], I deeply and completely love, accept, and forgive myself.
Eyebrow: I lose my self-confidence every time I’m with [the person; be specific].
Side of Eye: I’m fine with everybody else, but [the person; be specific] really gets to me.
Under Eye: My low self-confidence in the presence of [the person; be specific] makes it difficult for me to sound confident.
Under Nose: Then it’s like a downhill slope, just getting worse every time I speak.
Chin: I wish I knew how to feel better about myself when I’m in the company of [the person; be specific].
Collar Bone: But I just can’t come up with the right things to say.
Under Arm: All these feelings of low self-confidence.
Top of Head: I wish I could feel confident in every situation no matter who’s there.
Do five or six rounds of the Reminder Statements. When you begin to feel calmer and/or more self-confident, stop, take a nice, deep breath, and reassess your SUDs number. If the number doesn’t feel lower, continue tapping rounds of Reminder Statements.
Do a few more rounds of tapping, beginning with the three Set-Up Statements on the Side of Hand and five or six rounds or Reminder Statements on the other points, altering the statements accordingly. For example, in the second round, you might use, “Even though I still [have some of this problem; be specific], I’m letting that problem go now, and I deeply and completely love, accept, and forgive myself.” For Reminder Statements, you can use, “I still don’t feel quite as confident as I’d like,” then on the next point, “but I want to let that go now.” On one point, you tap what’s left of the problem, then on the next, “but I’m releasing/letting go of/erasing that now.”
If you think of any other aspects of the problem while you’re tapping, make a note of them, and use them in subsequent rounds. For example, maybe your body shakes when you want to ask for a raise, your voice gets too quiet, or you begin to sweat. Incorporate them into your phrases.
It’s entirely possible that, when it comes to Emotional Freedom Technique and self-confidence, you can begin to feel an improvement in the very first session, and, if you’re working with a trained EFT therapist, you will feel better unless you don’t really want to feel better. EFT was discovered by a psychologist, Dr. Roger Callahan, working with a patient who had a severe water phobia. He’d used the usual talk therapy with her for eighteen months, but there was no improvement. During one session, that patient told him that, any time she’s near a body of water, she gets the worst feeling in her stomach. Dr. Callahan knew that the stomach meridian endpoint is just below the eye, so he had her tap there while talking about her water phobia. In one session, her phobia was removed, and it never returned.
More often, however, it will take longer to resolve completely, especially if you’ve had it for quite some time. There are a few reasons for this. One is, as mentioned earlier, your subconscious mind wants to keep the problem, because it’s known and familiar, which is preferable to it over anything unknown and unfamiliar. Even though it’s undesirable to your conscious mind, your subconscious is afraid that, if it lets go of the problem, you won’t be you any longer, so it clings to the problem. Another reason that it’s likely to take more than one session to see the results you want is that what may seem like one problem likely has several aspects to it. For example, if you’re having a physical difficulty, like a pain, injury, or illness, there is always an emotional aspect to it that may have to be alleviated before the body can be relieved of the physical difficulty.
People who use Emotional Technique regularly, however, will often discover that they begin to feel better from the first session. If you tap long enough that you feel calmer, less stressed, or more self-confident, before you stop tapping, you’ll feel positive results by the end of the session. If you’ve had the problem for quite some time, simply keep using Emotional Freedom Technique every day, and you’ll notice positive results that get better each time you use it. Your best course of action, however, is to contact me for some private sessions. My email address is Frances@RelieveYourMind.com.
Frances O’Brien
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